Grateful for things I wouldn’t normally be grateful about

Dear O.,

You’ve got a way of annoying me. You’ve got this tone of voice you use. One that is supposedly meant to show concern, but more often than not would come out sounding plainly patronising. For every plan I think of, you’d instantly come up with all the obvious obstacles, the ruthless requirements, the distant difficulties. Oh how I tried to see those comments as thoughtful and helpful. How I tried! But maybe it’s just me, or maybe condescension thinly disguised as concern is really that damn easy to detect. I wish you’d just come right out and say it to my face: “No, you’re not capable of doing such things.” At least that would be honest, straight to the point, and would save us both some precious time.

I apologise for secretly not wanting to talk to you. But I did not ask you to put a dampener on every single thing I say. I did not ask you to try and talk me out of every single dream I have. There’s one thing I can’t stand, and that’s the self-righteousness people freely give themselves, to pass negative judgments on anything other people want to do that they themselves would not, or could not.

But.

I thank you for unknowingly providing the exact thing that really pushes me along: doubt. I’ve proved you wrong once before. And I’ve just got even more determined to do it again. Because that’s what I love doing. Proving people wrong. It’s satisfying to the point of addictive.

And once I get there, I know you’ll be truly happy for me, and I’ll have forgotten what you’d said. But for now, I’d save myself the trouble by keeping my future goals to myself and those who are truly supportive.

~totoro~

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