You know what’s the most effective way to scare away welcome visitors to your site and various online profiles? Don’t just include a music player with a song in there for them to click on if they want to check out your sophisticated music taste. Instead, have a deafening tune on Auto Play to greet them the very moment they enter! They’d totally love the experience. It’s just like being blasted right in the face with a loudspeaker, complete with spit scattered all over your hair. Unbelievably, ear-splittingly enjoyable! (And who cares about whatever music they already have played at the time on their puters. Time for a change.) What’s more, for added visual effects, throw in a massive flash with about 2 tonnes of photos, so by the time they’re finished loading, your visitors’ve already grown an inch of hair on their chins, regardless of their gender. Tackle all the senses, I’d say.
But be cautious, you don’t want to appear pushy. Because you’re not, you’re a loving, caring, compassionate person. You simply like to share your favourite music to the world, or anyone who’s unfortunate enough to have been coerced into visiting wandered past your virtual home on the duhblew-duhblew-duhblew. So what you need to do, if you can, is to include a teeny “Skip Intro” line, in the smallest font size and the palest colour possible, at the very bottom of the page. And if they have to scroll down, or scroll across, or scroll like a maniac all over the place until they go all crossed-eyed, to get to it, that’s even better. Fantastic work!
Oh, and don’t get me started on the long-lasting impression of having to listen to the first 15 seconds of the same song over and over again. Because each time they click to go to a new page on your site, the beautiful song that was painstakingly chosen out of the thousands of melodies in your hard drive, will cordially restart itself to greet them again. Ahh, what a thoughtful host you are. By the time they reach the 5th page, if they haven’t yet pulled out all the hair on their chins (that has just grown during the previously mentioned flash intro), or surrendered themselves to an asylum, they’ll eventually leave your site with the most profound case of earworm. Ever. Because repetition is the key when it comes to marketing, you know. And you have just managed to shove that most fabulous song into their brain and super-glued it right onto the membranes. That has got to be good, right? Especially when your regular visitors get so conditioned that they know to turn off their speakers BEFORE typing your web address onto their browsers. You have succeeded in the manners of Ivan Pavlov! You should be so proud of yourself.
And while we’re at it, these are the lines you should NOT put on your site:
“SPEAKERS MUST BE MUTED BEFORE ENTER”
“THIS SITE COMES WITH FREE EARPLUGS”
“REWARDS OFFERED TO THOSE WHO CAN LAST TILL THE END OF THE SONG!”
“TEST YOUR REFLEX! See how fast you can flick your mouse up and close this window then the music hits you in the face.” (Hint: Ctrl-F4)
And especially, NOT this: “TELL US IN LESS THAN 25 WORDS WHY YOU HATE THIS WEBSITE.” Because that line will give you bucket loads of problems when it comes to… judging the entries. Most of them will only contain 1 word, being either noise, blast, or cacophony. And occasionally expletives that you wouldn’t want in your mail box.